I feel guilty for posting this here in this splendid art blog, people who have known me for a while will find these beggings too familiar but I'm really desperate and hoping some reading may be able to get me out of this.
I can do art, but I've bitterly learned I dont want to make money from art and that is hard to swallow because I grew up with the intention of making a living from my art. I do it for satisfaction only and I like the knowledge that I'll always have complete freedom if I dont do it for money. That freedom is the main thing that keeps me happy in life and I need to keep it that way to stay happy, even if the rest of my life has to suck, this area is precious and needs protecting, I live for this. I'm not making judgements on people who do it for a living but I think there are a lot of people who are not compatible with it, their work suffers for it and at this point in life, I am one of them.
Other than that, I have no skills. I didnt do well at school and even though I'm struggling to find a good job, I still dont regret not trying hard at school, I wouldnt like a job that requires me to particularly good at anything that would be taught at school. I've always wanted to have a job shifting boxes and mopping all day or picking fruit or something, but I've been amazed to find how rare those jobs are.
I've been at the same cleaning job for 3 years, unable to think of anything I'd rather do, even though I dont like cleaning classrooms. The worst thing is that subconciously I feel like I still am in highschool, and I have recurring bad dreams about being made to go back to school. I'd hope someday I can forget schools exist, because it is a shitty time in life to be reminded of for this far into life (I'm almost 25 now). I always hated school and always wanted to get away from it and I feel like I still havent got away.
I dont want a job that has work beyond the actual job hours (no homework), I dont want to handle cash, I will not tolerate focus groups talking about teamwork, I cannot drive and refuse to learn to as I hate vehicles, I dont want to wear a shirt and tie or have to look presentable, I dont want to work in anything where there is a likely risk of injury, I dont want to have to listen to the radio, I dont want to work near a kitchen, call center or anywhere near a supermarket. I'm tired of scraping chewing gum from the bottom of bins and cleaning up classrooms that look like they were used for a party, so no more of that.
So you can see how I'm having hard time thinking of anything I might like to do. It seems like I might need to make some sort of compromise but I like to cling to the hope that life doesent have to be shit, that you dont have to accept a mundane life like most people. Mopping might seem mundane to some, but in the right environment I think it is bliss. One of the strangest things about looking for jobs is the lack of these plain jobs that I had always assumed were everywhere.
Whenever I ask around about these things I'm always told I have to grow up and make some compromises, but I'm desperate and hoping someone might suggest a genius idea.