Alpha Male in...Don't Be Gay

This is an outline I wrote for a short comic. Ultimately my collaborator on the project (Bert Stabler) decided to go with another script, but I still think this works pretty well as a short short story. If any of you folks with representational drawing skills is inspired to turn it into a comic, let me know; otherwise it'll just continue to exist sans pictures, I guess.

Alpha-Male in...Don’t Be Gay!

Alpha-Male was bitten by a radioactive penis and gained the proportional speed, strength, and emotional maturity of a penis. He lived happily out of touch with his feelings until suddenly his dick-sense tingles and, wham! The Gay Utopia arrives. A bunny offers him a flower from its anus; a burlesque troop of Hello Kitty dolls sings about bodies and pleasures; he is almost buried in pastel-colored anti-America flyers. Luckily, even the most playful subversion can’t daunt Alpha-Male! Fueled by his Alpha-testosterone, he tears several butterflies asunder and rapes a bunch of queer video projects. But for how long can our hero keep it up in a world without big box retail? Plus he can't buy any meat so his farts don't smell right. That’s why it’s time for the ultimate Alpha-power: mind-over-ejaculate! Desperately, courageously, he thinks of Hugh Hefner and achieves one final orgasm . Then he makes his cum take the shape of a direct-market comic store. Inside are a bunch of dudes like Frank Miller and R. Crumb making manly comics with boring layouts about fighting evil and getting laid. He decides to live there the rest of his life. Fuck the Gay Utopia!


This is probably at least partially inspired by Johnny Ryan, one of my favorite cartoonists working at the moment; I got to interview him for the most recent issue of TCJ. You can see an excerpt of the interview here.